After the highest-ranking woman at my company, Xena, quit recently I wrote some posts venting. People wrote various comments; they even used the Queen's English to call me judgmental with an extra 'e.' This one, though, stuck with me:Actually, you were probably already shaky or being challenged on your plans and the one person who you could point to as making it "work" bailed on you. If you really want to dedicate your life to your career, (and that is your choice) you would not care what she did. You would see it as an opportunity to more up! You would be dancing on your desk, instead of crying on it.
-Anonymous
I only wish this person had identified herself, because this is one smart lady. It's true. I plan to adopt in about five years; this has always been my plan. But I love my job! So, I was hoping it would all just work.
Plenty of people around here have kids, but they're all men. Heck, most of them even have working wives: teachers, doctors, yoga instructors. The men with seriously working wives (I believe the old-fashioned term is "power couple") have housekeepers and nannies. They just keep moving, nobody stays at home, and there you go. But I don't know those women, and they're not in my field.
So, I believed Xena could make it work. In fact it was more than that, in my mind Xena had to make it because she was the only woman at that level at this company. I needed to know it was possible for a woman's career in this field to not be sacrificed. She had a stay-at-home husband! If anyone could do it, it would be Xena. If Xena failed, what chance do I have?
My mentor, I'll call her She-Ra, is the only woman I know who actually has it all. She has a housekeeper and a nanny and next-door grandparents. Her kids are in high school, and they seem well enough adjusted. She-Ra works constantly, she is the master of my field, and her husband is a CEO, so I wonder who got to spend more (any?) time with the kids. Now that I think about it, I have no idea how that worked. Maybe it just doesn't work.
Thinking long term, I suppose we're lucky in that fiance is self-employed and works from home, we have two sets of grandparents within an hour, and we (will) have some cash. But now that Xena has left, I am starting to see that this company, and probably this entire industry, might be a very bleak place for mothers. She-Ra achieved the respect of the community, piles of cash, and a mansion. But at what cost?
Since Xena left, I've been trying to think of the middle ground, and maybe Xena was right that there just isn't one.
2 comments:
I have been lurking and reading your posts for a while, but have not commented. Like Anon, I, too, though that there must be something underlying your strong feelings against Xena and her decision. And when I read that anon comment, I thought there might be truth in it, as did you.
Perhaps the answer lies in the question. What does it mean to "have it all?" Does your mentor have it all when she had a nanny, housekeeper and set of grandparents who basically raised her children while she and her husband "raised" their two companies? To her, she does have it all. But her "all" and Xena's "all" and your "all" do not have to be the same.
It is hard to be in a business where the men do not take the women seriously and lambast them for doing anything related to raising a family and having a personal life. And it will be harder for you now that Xena has decided that her "all" no longer involves the company. But that doesn't mean YOU are finished. Once you figure out what your "all" is - you just head that way and achieve it. And if that "all" involves your current company, then as another commenter said, take advantage of Xena's absence and rise to her ranks. Yes, there may be no Xena for you to follow, but you could turn out to be the Xena for other women in the industry to follow.
However, if 5 years from now after you have adopted, you feel yourself in a different situation and your definition of "all" has changed - just roll with it. Our definitions, our life and our plans all change with life. There is no shame in that, it is part of the growth process.
So I would say you should take some time to figure out what "all" you want and how to go about getting it. It sounds like Xena will be there for longer than 2 weeks - use her! Use her knowledge, experience and resources to achieve what it is you want. Only then, when you have risen to where you want to be, will you know if that is what you wanted when you wanted to "have it all".
Good luck!!
*clapping*
you actually introspect from time to time. I am seriously impressed. they key to true growth is not to be afraid of the truth and listen with an open mind
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