I've been thinking about my wedding gifts.
I was raised that you cover the cost of your plate, with a cap at about $50/head. We give $100 in cash when the Dog family (couple) goes to a wedding, more if they're very close to us. We did this to ALL of the family weddings we've been to, $50 to the ones we skipped. With this understanding, I was really disappointed in our gifts.
Let me start by saying that some were just incredibly generous (WOW!), or incredibly thoughtful, even if they aren't worth that much in money. I was really blown away by so many of the gifts. I'm not talking about those gifts.
I also know that a lot of people are hurting financially, and some spent tons just to get to the wedding. I'm not talking about those people either. I'm talking about the regular people nearby who got a nice night out.
I already knew our families (both sides) weren't rich, and I recently found out they're rude too. But lots of them are just plain cheap, the kind of thing I'd expect if I invited someone like Trent from the Simple Dollar. (Actually, I bet Trent would craft something cheap but thoughtful.)
People showed up with $20 gift cards to Target. For a couple! I paid $7 for their parking!!!
A few of those gifts:
* $20 gift card
* $25 gift card for a family of four
* $30 bottle of champagne for three
Lots of people didn't give gifts at all, even a brother and a sister, and lot of friends. I'm not sure why that's sad to me. I guess I expected minimal effort.
I'm not trying to sound like an ungrateful witch. We didn't need the money, we're fine. But it's hurtful. If you can't cover your plate (or don't want to), I'd rather have something thoughtful and sincere -- a heartfelt card or a craft or a book or an old photo or nothing at all -- than a $20 Target gift card.
Am I way out of touch? Would you consider a $20 gift card reasonable? Is $50 -- or something thoughtful -- way too high an expectation?
Update: A follow-up post here.
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43 comments:
I don't think you sound ungrateful at all. We had our engagement party this year and I wasn't expecting gifts and was overwhelmed by the generosity of 95% of the people. But I was extremely offended when a few of my hubby-to-be's friends showed up, drank at our open bar, ate the food and didn't even greet me. Not a "congratulations", not a "good to see you", not even a "hello". They seemed to think that since they were his friends, acknowledging me was optional, and they only spoke to him. (Mind you, most of them I've known for years and years)
I was also shocked to see people bringing their friends along to enjoy the above mentioned free drinks and food, people who weren't invited! (And some for good reason!) A couple of our friends called us and asked in advance if they may bring someone, and of course, we were happy for them to do so, but I was really surprised when guests just showed up with people we barely know. Who also, mind you, didn't acknowledge me. It was really offensive. And of course, most of those same friends who brought random people didn't even RSVP. This really p'd me off.
The bright side is, it's really helped us narrow down who we will invite to the wedding, as we're only having a total of 80 guests! I'm definitely considering it as a list of people who will help US celebrate OUR wedding, and not who will just be there for a feed, drinks and a good time.
I think you're being ungrateful because they didn't HAVE to get you anything at all. A gift comes from the heart of the giver and the recipient should be appreciative, regardless of its value or perceived thoughtfulness. Buying a gift isn't a REQUIREMENT, you know.
For those who you THINK didn't buy you anything at all, they may send a gift after the wedding - as I always do. Proper etiquette, it is acceptable to send a gift up to 6 mos after the wedding. Personally, I think it's inconvenient to attend a wedding bearing gifts. Where am I supposed to put it during the ceremony at the church and before we arrive at the reception area? IF I decide to give cash, should I trust that my cash will find its way to the bride and groom? Further, I've been to weddings where the gift table became a contest amongst the guests - who brought the largest/best gift - can you say TACKY! Besides, the day is so busy for everyone, then the bride/groom run off on their honeymoon. Receiving your gift after returning home gives you something to look forward to as a couple when things settle down.
Lighten up, enjoy your new hubby, appreciate what you received, and send out thank you cards to EVERYONE who attended.
Hi Dog, We had a small wedding with a few close friends and our family==my family is large. We ended up with about one hunred people. We were married outside on a point at a nearby lake, rented the building on the property and had a barbecue.
I had some really great unique gifts, a friend who is a wonderful photographer did black/white and color photos for us at no charge. He gave me the film to develop with discount (large) for the developing. I took orders from everyone who wanted prints and the size and had those done. Our photos cost us less than $100 with his discounts and his free 'time' for doing taking the photos.
Another friend, who lives in another state, where I used to live and was my hairstylist drove 3 hours each way and did my hair as my gift. I loved both of these gifts!! Everyone else was as generous as they could be, save one. My favorite aunt and uncle on my dad's side have yet to acknowledge our wedding-not a card, nothing. We left straight from the reception for our honeymoon and my brother and son-in-law took gifts from the wedding home. After I had written all the thank you notes, which I did promptly, I realized I had not written one for that aunt and uncle. I called my mom and brother; they had seen nothing that they remembered for them. I called my aunt because I was concerned an envelope, for example, may have been lost. She replied,'we're terrible, we never did get around to get you anything.' They still haven't and we've been married 7 years now. I could care less about money, gift cards, or gifts, I would have just loved for them to have acknowledged the marriage-even with a note written on a napkin...
About the RSVP deal, I ALWAYS have to call my dad's family. I try to put RSVP's back in the mail within 72 hours!! sooner if we can figure out our schedule before that!
Congratulations and best wishes for the Dog family!!
BTW, I told my aunt that I was just thankful they had attended-which I was. If they had given a gift that was unacknowledged, they would have been very upset, so awkward as it was, I called to make sure it had not been lost or misplaced. It still hurt me, whether they are required to give a gift or not, that my favorite aunt and uncle didn't give us a card. I know it's petty. I'm over it though. We invite them over regularly (they live near us) and visit them regularly as well. That's the important part.
I don't think you're being ungrateful. And I disagree with Single Ma, I think they DO have to get you something. Who goes to a wedding thinking they don't have to bring a gift?? ESPECIALLY family members. That would piss me off.
And a $20 gift card is a joke. Gift cards in general are a joke unless it's to some place special, or it's a decent amount.
It's not like you gave people a week's notice that you were getting married! The lack of effort is pathetic.
I tend to side with Single Ma on this. A gift is a gift, not an entrance ticket to your wedding.
That being said, if people can easily afford a gift and don't offer one, that seems quite tacky.
But it would be more tacky for you to remember this lack of gift (or cheap gift) for longer than a week. Remember the generosity, let go of those who are oblivious to etiquette, struggling, or just plain stingy.
Oh, and congrats on the marriage!
I was never raised that you had to give a certain amount of to cover being invited to the wedding. Weddings can get expensive and I going to a few a year. I think it is the thought that matters. Congrats!!!
Congrats!
I was a bridesmaid in a wedding last year, and my friend (the bride) is still very upset at the number of people who attended her wedding and expensive reception and didn't give her and her husband so much as a card, much less a gift. I think that is tacky. If I don't care enough about the people getting married to buy a gift, then I wouldn't attend the wedding. That being said--I don't spend the same amount at every wedding. For close friends, I've spent over $100 on a gift, but at a co-worker's wedding (he's not really an outside-of-work friend), I spent about $30. Although I did buy something off his registry and not a $20 Target gift card, LOL! I do agree with Single Ma that you should take the high road and send thank-you notes to everyone who atttended. I told my friend to do that and she didn't listen to me, though!
I personally prefer a nice card and some heartfelt words of congratulations than any gift. We don't need a dowry of any sort, like you. There were many $25 checks from large families who couldn't make it or did make it but had just gone through hurricane gustav or ike. I didn't care. An invitation in my mind does not equal a gift. All I am looking for is an acknowledgment I have found happiness.
Then again, different situation as I have been married before. I do think some of my relatives did refuse to "gift" this second marriage and I had no problems with that. Hard to tell the boss - my relative is getting married again.
I am having the hardest time spending a Bed Bath and Beyond gift card because I never shop there. I wish it had been target - I actually go there every once in a while!!!
But no, I didn't grow up with the "cover your plate" rule of thumb. To me, a wedding is kind of like you are throwing a dinner party. You are paying for the food and sometimes people bring a dish or some alcohol, and sometimes they just bring themselves as good company. Maybe they throw a dinner party themselves and invite you, and maybe not. But you wanted them there or you wouldn't have invited them. You don't charge them for the food they ate if they don't invite you back. It is what you chose to do with your money.
Thank them for the "lovely gift" and say how much you enjoyed them being a part of your day and move on. You are married! Where is that newlywed glow? Seriously, even live-in couples can have that newlywed feeling - allow yourself to feel it and enjoy it.
Sigh... Your disappointment and hurt is understandable. Your post does prove that a gift card just merely says, "Checked you off my to-do list", rather than, "I thought of you." I guess one thing you could think about for those people who gave low value gift cards or chintzy gifts is whether they gave what they could afford. One thing I've learned in this economic crisis is that people who seemed "well-off" were only living high off debt. Perhaps these people gave what they can afford? If so, I'd cut them some slack. If not... well... there's not much you can do about tackiness.
Dear Miss Manners,
This topic has recently come up and is causing much debate among friends. Please settle this for us. Is there a "proper" amount for a wedding gift? I have heard more and more people say that their gift must cover the cost of their dinner. Is this not just "paying admission" for attending the affair? My 25-year-old daughter (who has just recently gotten a job) is beginning to be invited to weddings of peers, and cannot afford to cover the cost of her meal.
Gentle Reader,
That this idea is widespread does not rescue it from being astonishingly vulgar and crass, for exactly the reasons you mention.
Etiquette recognizes no such rule, Miss Manners assures you. It assumes, perhaps naively, that wedding guests are invited solely because their attending has emotional value, and that wedding presents are selected by the guests from within their particular financial means, solely to please the recipients.
http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/article.aspx?cp-documentid=8318982
I was just going to post the Miss Manners column on this, but Maygen beat me to it.
I was not raised to "cover the cost of my plate," and I think it's rather crass, as it emphasizes that the guest should spend time considering (or researching online via the caterer's website) how much the bride and groom (or their parents) are likely to spend on the event. If the guest is in effect expected to pay his or her way, it becomes more like a business transaction than a celebration.
Having said that, yes, I was a little taken aback by some gifts we received at our wedding -- a $15 check from a family of six, for example. But I was more astonished by the generosity of others.
I also do not bring gifts to the wedding itself, but rather send them ahead of time or a couple of weeks after the wedding, having learned firsthand that it's a pain to arrange their transportation and storage during the honeymoon. I was nervous about leaving so many unopened gifts in our apartment for a week.
(Word verification is "demands.")
Who said anything about a dowry?
I'm not charging admission. We got many gifts that were very thoughtful and practically cost-less. Those gifts mean the world to me.
A $20 gift card is worse than nothing at all.
I think you need to consider who the gift is from. If the $20 gift card is from a rich relative then yes, I might be upset. If it is from someone who was just laid off or not well off financially, then no. You should appreciate they even bought you a gift.
I didn't grow up with the idea that the gift must cover the cost. I do know that a lot of people did though. I personally think that is a ridiculous rule of thumb for a gift amount.
I think you also need to consider where people are from. My wedding was a perfect example. I grew up and live in Suburban NJ while my husband grew up in Central Pennsylvania. There is a world of difference between these two places - Although only 200 miles apart its crazy how different they are. My friends and family from NY/NJ gave us anywhere from $100 to $250 for gifts. His family/friends from PA gave us anywhere from $20 to $50 or no gift at all(since they travelled). The difference was actually really pronounced and my husband said at one point he felt guilty about all the money people were giving us. It was something he was not used to.
At the same time, I was not upset at all about the amounts his family was giving us because I knew it was just part of where they were from. Its just a different world.
I'm not trying to sound like an ungrateful witch.
Too late. I think you sound totally obnoxious.
Miss Manners is on record saying the cover your plate rule is not only not a rule of etiquette, it doesn't even make sense--how are your guests supposed to know how much you spent on them, much less know that in advance of the wedding when they are shopping? And even if they did, why is it their problem that you chose to spend so much that you need to make it back on the back end?
People like you, with your ungrateful attitude, are the reason some of us such a low opinion of weddings as moneygrubbing events.
If you think a $20 gift card is worse than nothing at all, then a homemade card must be worse than being dead. Jeez. Get some perspective.
If you don't want any of these "cheap" gifts, just send them back. I'm not really clear on what the gift giving rules for a sham wedding (as you called it) are.
Did you have a memorable time at your wedding? Was your honeymoon splendid? This is where your focus should be. Gifts are nice and all but they're just that - material, inanimate, boring items. I once threw a joint birthday party for my two girls. Our house was packed with friends and everyone had a really good time. My girls still remember that their mom and dad threw a party with a magician and fun games and that all their friends at school came and had a good time. What about the gifts? Well, to put it bluntly, the gifts were largely cheap trash that quickly wound up in the landfill but so what? The whole point of the party was to give my girls a memorable day with their friends and ... mission accomplished.
It's nice when people take the time and effort (financially or creatively) to bring a gift you really like but experience tells me that if you rely on the gifts to "make" the function, you may be disappointed.
Congrats on your marriage btw.
I think it's human nature to think about the gifts people have given, and I think it's totally tacky to not give a gift at all.
But this post makes you sound selfish. There shouldn't be this tally in your head. These people were obviously invited for a reason, and hopefully the reason was not so they could defray the cost of the wedding.
As I said, I think it's a natural reaction but one that's kind of shameful and shouldn't actually be shared with others.
I've been to weddings where I gave a $20 or $25 gift card to one of the places where the couple was registered because I couldn't afford a single thing on their registry. Typically, these people were also pretty adamant that guests stick to the registry and not just go off and buy them "something that reminded me of you".
I think you are being a little ungrateful. As Single Ma said, a gift is not an entrance ticket, and you shouldn't be inviting people to a wedding expecting them to give you something in return. If you can't afford $50 a plate for all the guests you want to invite, then you've planned too extravagant a wedding.
I'm not saying that's what you did, but to say that NO gift is better than ANY gift--that seems a bit ungrateful and rude. Why not just give it back then, if it's so worthless to you? Personally, I'd love to get gift cards to stores I could shop at--I can give myself total permission to blow it on whatever I want because it's a gift.
I also think that you are being ungrateful, and in fact, contradictory.
You said "Lots of people didn't give gifts at all... I'm not sure why that's sad to me. I guess I expected minimal effort" but then you ended up with " I'd rather have something thoughtful and sincere...or nothing at all -- than a $20 Target gift card.
"
What I find also sad is that you had your disclaimer about how you weren't referring to the really good gifts etc... why did you choose to highlight the "cheaper gifts" instead of really talking about the good gifts?
Ultimately, I think you should feel happy that people showed up to your wedding. It's an important life event not a profit making business event and it's tacky to expect people to "cover their plate".
I agree with singla ma!
If you don't want the $20 Target gift card I'll take it off your hands. There's a lot of good stuff you can get at Target with $20.
It shouldn't be about the gifts, but it should be about the good time you and your guests had at the wedding. Did you enjoy it? Did your guests enjoy it? Then applaud yourself for putting together such a great event.
And hey, i'd rather have a $20 gift card to Target than something that will be shoved to the back of my closet, never to be seen again.
These are difficult times chica, not everybody can afford to spend money (or their time) thinking of something great to buy you. Not everybody cares for your wedding, but just wants to go for the free food. Some people are just like that. Take it for what it is.
Dog - I always thought that if my presence was requested at a wedding then people wanted my presence and not my presents! I dont think you should have expected any gifts - if you got gifts you should treat it as a bonus - its almost as if you want people to pay you for being invited to your wedding - if you didnt want to spend the money you shouldnt have invited those people.
I would have been happy with a $20 gift card.
I'm afraid I have to agree with Single Ma as well. I had a friend in college whose sister was getting married and watched them plot about who to invite and who not to invite based on who would get them a gift worth more than they would pay to feed them. Basically they were trying to make money off their wedding (and were not subtle about it at all). I guess on a lesser scale that is how you are judging the gifts but the thing is, the guests have no idea how much you will/have spent.
I swore my wedding would never be like that. I just want people to come and have a good time.
Also, you never know who is hurting for money and perhaps time as well and maybe figure a gift card is better than nothing, at least it's useful.
Congrats on the wedding!
While it is annoying to feel like people are mooching off of your generosity, I don't think people have to bring a gift to a wedding.
Now don't get me wrong, I always do. I agree with you on the "pay for your plate" unless you have to pay a lot of money to get there and then a small inexpensive gift will do.
A wedding should be a celebration and presence of your friends and family should be gift enough. Having said that, I might be annoyed as well. I agree with SP, let yourself be annoyed and then let it go.
That being said, you should at least give a card!
Readers may also be interested in two other Miss Manners columns:
http://www.leftfield.org/~artemis/wedding/missmanners.html
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A54973-2004Jun19.html
Note in the latter that Miss Manners says you do NOT have to send a gift if you do not actually attend the wedding. (A money-saving etiquette tip.) But if you actually attend a wedding, yes, you must give a gift.
I agree with the anonymous posting. As usual, you care about the price of all things and the value of nothing. All you care about is what people have and in this case, what people brought you.
To think of any invitation in terms of what kind of gift a person would give me it crass.
You've completely missed the point of your wedding. I'm not sure about the reference on it being a sham, but if it was to get gifts and money, then it was a sham wedding.
In defense of giftcards - I was actually raised that giving cash is tacky, so I give gc's for the store they're registered at (or one I know they love) or a nicer restaurant. I'm often traveling to weddings so transporting gifts isn't always feasible. A lot of people I know are already living together/own homes when they get married - don't need much and with the gc they can pool them for something bigger plus get what they need...
Also, this whole you don't HAVE to bring a gift/give anything is ridic... Even as a poor/unemployed student I brought gifts to weddings (and more than $25 too)...
I felt more hurt by people not giving a gift that I thought should have...not pointing fingers but the best man????? He forgot and sometimes when he talks about the fact that he didn't get other friends (married May 2008) a gift and feels bad, my DH feels like telling him, hey dude you never gave me a gift as best man.
I think it pisses my DH off not because of the price, but because well his BEST FRIEND didn't give us a gift. And he can remember to give gifts to other couples that obviously aren't as close.
Oh my, what an interesting discussion we have here. Ok, here's my thought process. I think if you're going to attend a wedding, it is a nice gesture to bring a gift - even if it is something small. I don't think it is required, nor should it be expected. I absolutely disagree with the notion of covering your plate because that makes it seem like an admission ticket - you might as well set up a booth at the door. In your case, I think you should be grateful for what you received, even if it wasn't what you expected.
In any case, I wouldn't dwell too much on the $20 gift card. The person may be struggling financially or just wasn't sure what to get you. Think of how they would feel if they read your blog post right now. It may not have been a matter of them being cheap or unthoughtful. You talk about having a decent income, so you probably have most everything you need. They may not have been sure what to get you. It's the thought that counts, and getting a gift at all was a thought.
Well.. at least they brought something. But if they couldn't afford to go to your wedding with the flight and all they should have just sent $50 and left it at that.
It's hard to say. It feels like they slapped you in the face by not giving you more money or better gifts (did you have a gift registry?) but on the other hand, they may have spent a lot just to get there?
Weddings. So hard.
Sorry your off on this one.
The point of having a wedding is to invite people you love to share the day. That's it.
There should be no expectation of gifts. And certainly no gift of a size to cover the amount you spent on the guest.
Please feel free to send any $20 gift cards you don't want my way. I assure you, I won't be disappointed.
Personally, I don't see how anyone would be disappointed in a $20 gift card -- even for their wedding! It's a GIFT! And it's not even the kind that you have to return because it's not your color or size!
In fact, $20 gift cards seem fairly common for weddings around here. Sometimes they're even less. I wouldn't think twice about giving a $20 gift card and I would be highly insulted to find out that it wasn't accepted graciously. I'd never send the couple another gift again if they said some of the things said here!
what's tackier than giving a $20 gift card?
blogging about your ungratefulness for the entire world to read. you should be ashamed of yourself.
Wow. I mean, you hear about people being this shallow, but I've never actually run across someone THIS spoiled rotten. Sounds like you invited people to your wedding so you could get more stuff. How completely tacky. Who raised you? Your mother would seriously fume forever if she knew who gave you gift cards? Yes, I think this is literally the definition of being ungrateful.
I just found this blog because I liked some of your comments on other blogs, but if this is indicative of your style, you have a lot of maturing and growing up to do, my friend.
I agree with you Dog, that 'a $20 gift card is worse than nothing at all'.
It's just a bit tacky. If you don't wish to give a gift just give a card. My sister married last year and she too was hurt that many people (many of them close relatives) did not give cards or gifts - she wasn't bothered about the gift, but a nice card (that she probably would have kept long-term) would show a nice thought.
Put some thought into a gift, or stick to cards only.
I didn't realise so many people use the 'cover your plate' rule. I made that one up for myself. I think it's a good rule. Around here that would be $100 per couple, which is what I give. Years ago when we were students I gave less, usually a thoughtful gift (ie fabulous plain white pasta bowl sets for couples that hadn't lived together before - found marked down ridiculously to $20! Bought a few and gave them at weddings and engagements for about 2 years!).
Wow. I guess I can kind of understand, but I still think those small gifts should be appreciated.
When you get 50 $20 gift cards, they start to add up.
Although I was raised with the idea that you should try to cover your cost when you attend a wedding, I think your complaints are childish. If you decide to have a fancier wedding, then why should you expect your guests to give you a gift that matches the cost of it? They have no say in how much you spend on your wedding and reception.
And did you ever think that they got you this gift card from Target because it is the type of store that carries just about everything newlyweds would need, and they want you to get full use out of the gift they give you?
I think you should just be grateful that these people attended your wedding- in all honestly, most weddings are not very entertaining and it is more of an obligation to be polite and supportive than a "nice night out" for many that attend.
I understand your disappointment but I think you should also understand that some people's finances might be worse off than you think. Here in NY it is expected that you cover your plate and I'll be damned if everyone doesn't want a big expensive wedding. The typical cost for my bf and I to attend a wedding is at least $200 plus parking and a gift. Thankfully I tend to decline invitations because I can't afford other people's weddings, bridal showers, baby showers, etc. It's just too much.
There is a story about a woman who gave everything she had to the church, which amounted to maybe 25 cents. This is worth more than someone who is rich that gave 10 % of his income, let's say $100,000 because it was a small amount for him. It was everything to her. To me, giving what you can (even if it is a $20 gift card) is more important than how much a gift costs.
We can all attest that there are many people who "look" like they are doing well and struggling to keep their heads above water.
Hmmm, maybe in their region a $20 gift card is an acceptable wedding present? For example, I live in a major city in Canada and always give at least $100 per person (So, if my husband came with me, we would have to give at least $200). You say you always at least give $50 per person....I might think that is pretty cheap, whereas you would think it's acceptable. It's all perspective....
By the way, I think the cover your plate thing is BS. How is a guest supposed to know how much the "plate" would cost? Every wedding is different, with different costs associated with it.
However, I understand some of your disappointment, and I don't think there's anything wrong with you saying so.
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