We got invited to another destination wedding, our second invitation like this. I'm still not sure if the Mexico one is on or not for later in the year. This one is in the fall, in the Caribbean, at a resort.
We're foodies, plus we hate the beach. An all-inclusive resort on the beach with mediocre food (during hurricane season) is the last place I would book a vacation.
I think I've changed my mind on destination weddings. Why? They're inconvenient, they force people to spend buckets of money on YOUR vacation, they're selfish, and they're a cowardly way to cut your guest list.
And it's stupid! They have zero connection to the Caribbean. They just picked a pretty hotel. A flight to Miami to Abuela's church I could handle. But a flight to the Caribbean for no reason. Ugh.
I hate having to decide if friends are "worth" a couple days work plus $1000 a person. If you only want to invite 50 people, invite 50 people. Don't make it feel like it's my fault for not being able to (wanting to?) shell out $1000. I'm not even sure if it's offensive to pass.
What kind of excuse am I supposed to give? Hide behind my own pink slip? What about when I get a new job? Say we used up all our cash? Even though I drove up in this car? Say we can't take the time off? Should I say how much I hate all-inclusives? Is that insulting? What about that it's stupid to make everyone fly to a place you've never even been?! During hurricane season?! AAAAHHHH!!!!
This is a good friend of Senor Dog's so I feel like we have no choice, again. BOO! These weddings have made me lose control of my own vacations. I don't want to go to the Caribbean. I want to go to Buenos Aires or Japan or New York.
How are we supposed to tell them about our trip to Japan when we skipped their wedding??? It's like borrowing money or something where I feel like my choices belong to someone else. Why was Japan better than their perfect day? So, I guess our travel money and time will go to someone else's vacation. Ugh.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
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35 comments:
Destination weddings are inconvenient and, IMO, officious because basically the guests are being asked to put a price tag on their relationship to the bride and groom. In this economy especially, you should stick to your own goals and plans and not spend your vacation money on someone else's "big day." You don't have to tell them why you can't attend or feel that you're being cheap. I really don't think that most destination wedding couples expect most people to come or hold an absence against their friends. And if they felt otherwise, that would signal the end of a friendship for me.
"I'm sorry we can't attend" is all the explanation you need to give your friends. End of story. No excuses needed.
I'm sorry - we would love to go but have already planned something else.
Then, as they are friends, send them a gift.
If they are upset that you won't dish out a large sum of money for their wedding then I wouldn't consider people like that people I would want to be friends with.
Agreed....but I'm not sure about what the best excuse is. That's tough! I am dealing with this same situation right now with one of my bf's best college buddies. He lives in a different city and I've never met him so I'm not sure what to do. I feel bad making my bf go alone....but why spend $2K plus time off work for someone I've never met??? I'm not a fan of destination weddings...unless it's just the bride and groom.
I don't understand why you're so offended, honestly. Everyone I know who has had a destination wedding certainly didn't expect a lot of people to go. There is no reason to be angry with their friends because of their choices for how they want to get married. Just congratulate them and send a gift. End of story.
Considering you've written a number of posts about how your culture dictated certain things about your wedding, I find it fascinating that you would come out so strongly against destination weddings. "If you only want to invite 50 people, invite 50 people." Maybe culturally (and I mean culture in the large sense, outside of race or ethnicity) they feel it's rude to only invite 50 people.
"I guess our travel money and time will go to someone else's vacation. Ugh. " And yet you had no issue with friends having to "pay for their plate," possibly having to go without something else so they could get you something off your registry.
(Never mind the fact that "This is a good friend of Senor Dog's" and you'd be complaining if they did choose to invite only 50 people and you weren't invited. Especially if you invited them to your wedding.)
If you don't want to go, or if you can't go, send the invitation back marked "regrets." Offer to do something nice with them to celebrate, like go to dinner or have them over. If they're planning a destination wedding, they'll understand that not everyone is going to go, and if you're really friends, you should be happy to celebrate with them somewhere you mutually choose.
I'll echo most of the other commentors, Sorry we can't attend is all that is needed as an explanation and send them a thoughtful gift.
Everyone has their own idea of how they celebrate their wedding. Yours was a fairly large affair (or so it sounded based on your posts), they have chosen a destination wedding instead. Maybe they are not really expecting you to attend?
Maybe they were trying to eliminate YOU??? Ever think of that?
Stick to your own budget and life. You don't need to give them any excuse: just say Senor Dog & Bitch (sorry for the pun) send their regrets.
Geeze, I wish you could start living your OWN life and not to what others think of you.
I'm with the rest, send your regrets, a gift if you feel it needed and be done.
We can't just send in a card with regrets.
We talk to these people and spend time with them. They'll know what vacations we're going on, like if we go somewhere expensive. They'll know what we're actually doing on their wedding weekend. This one is really tough.
As a person who is planning a destination wedding I don't believe I am being selfish by having one. We don't have large families and are not religious. We both do not go to our hometowns anymore but don't really have a reason to have it in the city we live in. We love vacations and great food. So we are combining our passions in life for a destination wedding. If people have other plans or can't make it because of money I completely understand. On a side note I have spent more money on close to home weddings then necessary b/c of all the traditional things...that i will not be doing...lastly, if your friends are talking about the car you drive and how much money you have they are not friends...or it could be all in your head!
No, it's not that tough. Here's all you have to say:
"Oh, darn, I really wish we could go, but Senor Dog and I are saving our vacation time and money for that big trip to Japan we've been talking about forever. I'm sorry; I hope you'll understand." End of explanation. If this isn't sufficient for you or your friends, then there's a larger problem.
I really think that since you already have a vacation planned you could say that you are sorry but you only have time for one vacation and that is planned.
Maybe i have more understanding friends but everyone I know would understand that and I certainly would if i was told it also.
tina
Destination weddings are totally for the people getting married. Most likely they'll have a reception back at home for all the people that couldn't come... go to that and save the money. While it might be awesome to be one of a few people there for their special day the bride and groom have to realize that this is not a good time for most people to travel. They want the gorgeous pics and the fun vacation, they might not even notice if you're there or not. Do what you need to do, don't feel guilted into going.
I agree that all you have to do is say "I'm sorry we can't attend the wedding" and then participate in the pre-wedding festivities and actually enjoy them. That'll mean more than going to the Carriean and being ho-hum about it.
It is my understanding that the main reason that people have destination weddings in the first place is so that they'll be very small and very intimate. Perhaps just even the two of them and their immediate family. I would wager that the invite is merely a way of making you feel included in the wedding if you'd like to go, but that they're not expecting most of the people that they've invited to attend.
If they really wanted a lot of people's presence they wouldn't do a destination wedding. So don't feel bad about going, they obviously don't want a large wedding with EVERYONE there.
I totally sympathize! 2010 is the year of weddings for me. While none of them are destination, I will have to go up to New England 2 times within a month. And I'm in two of the weddings that year, so there's the extra cost of the bride's maid dresses, bachlorette party, etc. Bleh!
Good luck with your decision. It's definitely a tough call, but it sounds like you are leaning against it. I really like Ellen K.'s response. I think it says everything quite nicely.
Maybe you should tell them that you can't go because you really need to get your financial priorities in place. You seem to be all over the place lately. Really, just last week you were talking about using almost your entire savings to buy a house. If you had bought that home then you really couldn't afford to go since you won't go out and get another job or file for unemployment.
Maybe I missed something but this is the first time I heard Japan mentioned. You've mentioned adoption too. All of the things you want are not cheap and you need to get your priorities in place. Reality is that you don't have a job and if you are not going to enjoy the destination the wedding is in don't waste your money. (PS-I considered a destination because I didn't want a lot of people to attend)
You've already got your trip planned/booked for Japan and cannot go to their wedding, end of story. They may know you and all, but how could you 'rearrange' a vacation in order to fit their wedding in? A save the date is typically sent out a year in advance to help plan things like this.
Regarding the inconvenient and selfishness of a destination wedding, there are many people who still like them. Sure not everyone is going to go, just small group, small wedding, and a vacation all packed together. Smaller families do this all the time. My wife and I can't go to my cousins wedding because the flight, few nights at a hotel, dog boarding it would cost us at least $1000 plus using up some vacation time. We can't go but it doesn't mean she's being selfish having her wedding where she lives.
Since you brought up all-inclusive resorts I think they're the greatest thing for vacations. My wife and I went to Jamaica for our honeymoon and stayed at Sandals. It's so nice to have paid for the trip (NO DEBT!) and not worry about extra costs. I liked being able to get drinks and food at any time of the day too. If you want to go spend more money somewhere with better food and no beach, go for it.
Wow, this post really irked me. I think your attitude is incredibly whiny and selfish. It's THEIR wedding and they can do what they want. And you have the choice to participate or not. Do you really not see that?
What Ellen K suggested is bang on - you're being truthful and respectful with good friends. And I would bet that they probably won't cry that you're not there.
LeeAnn
It sounds to me like you're the one being selfish. If you don't want to go, then don't. Your "woe is me" attitude will just ruin it for everybody else. Do them a favor and just stay home.
I am attending a destination wedding this summer, but it's in North Carolina, not the Carribean. And my friend made it very clear to everyone that he totally understood if people couldn't come. He's been pleasantly surprised at the number of people who ARE coming, but he certainly didn't expect it. And if he were getting married out of the country--believe me, BF and I would NOT be going.
aaah Dog, this is their day, they are entitled to do it as they so desire. you truly don't have to go. most couples will understand that many people won't be able to attend their destination wedding. i can't believe that you're taking this so personal and being so mean spirited about your friends' day. cheer up kiddo, let them do it their way and you feel free to do what you have to do, even if that means not going.
Considering I did the destination wedding deal, I'm a bit miffed at your opinion. I invited people whom I wanted. If they showed up great. If not, not a big deal.
But then again I only invited people I knew more than 5+ years. Everyone my DH and I worked with were wrangling for invitations.
We didn't shell them out period. ONLY to our bosses. Other than that basically only friends from college and childhood and family.
So if this is a very close friend, I'd go. If not then send regrets and a nice gift.
You have strong feelings. Now have the courage to stand up for them.
Decline the invite and send a copy of this post with the RSVP. If a friendship is lost over this, then there's nothing lost.
We had a destination wedding. We wanted a very small wedding with special memories. Not a typical production wedding and YES I admit, that was also the way to eliminate some people we knew if we had a local wedding we must invite but really we didnt care their absence.We were grateful for friends who could make it.Believe me bride and groom who choose to have a destination wedding are not worry the lenght of their guest list.they already expect that some friends can not make it.
My dear friends are getting married this summer, and I'm flying across the country to attend. Housing is free, since my family lives nearby… but the cost of the flight is quite pricey. Being unemployed, I can't afford to go. But I've known this girl since I was 3 months old… how could I NOT go? It's not going to put me in debt, it's just going to slow down my savings for a couple months. And that's something I can sacrifice.
It sounds like these friends aren't very close with you… if you really wanted to be there, you'd be there. It doesn't matter where it is… it's the people you're going FOR. If cost was really an issue, they would understand your situation. If not? You can't really claim them as close friends. Since you obviously don't want to go, don't.
It seems like you have a problem with what other people do. If you don’t want to go, then don’t go. Even if they are your friends the bottom line is you don’t have a job, you already have other travel plans and you can’t afford another. They don’t need to know every single detail of your life and if they do, then you have a different problem.
Maybe your hubby can go by himself, just for the day of the wedding. A decent compromise.
I had a destination wedding last year at Round Hill in Jamaica. We figured no one would accept but ending up with 158 guests! Despite this, we never expected people to stand at ceremony and understood that many would not be able to make it. I hardly think it makes me selfish to choose where I would like to have my wedding. To each his own. If you can't go, politely decline, I am sure they will understand. It's an invitation not a subpoena!
Dog, I hope that after reading the feedback of those who posted and rereading your original post, you will realize how juvenile and self-centered you are coming across.
I agree that planning a wedding in the Caribbean during hurricane season might produce some unwelcome weather surprises for the bride and groom. But if that's where they want to get married, that's their choice. You also have a choice: 1) attend, have a great time, and be happy for your friend; 2) attend with a sour/putupon attitude and spoil their special day; or 3) stay home and spend your money and vacation time as you originally planned. It's not rocket science.
Don't feel bad about saying no. I had a "destination wedding" just before it became popular and even had the name "destination wedding" because I didn't believe in spending money we didn't have following traditions I didn't even enjoy. I verbally invited anyone whose presence I'd have liked, letting them know that as much as I'd have loved a "yes", they shouldn't feel obliged. We just had our parents there. In the US, we had a big engagement party a month before the wedding. In the UK, we had a really lame party in a pub function room about 2 months after. And since the marriage didn't last (wasn't awful, just wasn't right), I'd say the wedding was a great adventure for us that doesn't bring back sad memories or regrets over spending $20K+ (we spent about $4K all told).
I declined the invitation to my cousin's destination wedding in Florida (he's from NJ, she's from VA, they live in NYC) because I have no interest in a weekend house party on a beach. They were supposed to throw a party when they got back, but I guess they had good enough attendance that it wasn't necessary.
Just say no. If Senor Dog doesn't agree, let him go solo.
I totally feel your frustration DogAteMyFinances. I am currently in a similar situation. I'm hoping I can vent here.
My best friend has chosen to get married in Mexico (like your situation - no personal connection to this location). She absolutely expects that I will attend. My husband and I are young and have a very modest income. What's more, I'm pregnant with our first child - this means that all of the money we can spare is going into a "baby fund" and all our vacation/sick days need to be saved so we can take time off when the baby is born. When I gently let her know that my husband and newborn would likely have to miss the wedding (we are very close so it would be pretty offensive if I missed it) she seemed surprised as she honestly thought that her wedding was affordable to attend. We have looked into the cost and it would be $2000-3000 for my husband, baby and I to attend. This is with economical lodging(we cannot afford to stay at the resort where she is getting married - when I asked her how we could get to our accomodations she suggested we could walk -walk? at night in mexico with my infant? or alone if my husband and baby don't come? no thanks.). I'm sad because I want my husband and baby to attend, but we simply cannot afford it. So I guess I'll take my one vacation next year alone while my husband stays at home feeding junior my pumped milk...Also, to top it off she's getting married on a Friday!
How can she think it's not incredible rude and selfish to ask this of me and all her other guests (she is not picturing an intimate affair and is inviting the same people whom she would invite if she got married here)?
I'm puzzled by the entire situation as this is very out of character for my friend. I want to support her and want her to have the wedding of her dreams, but I'm beginning to think she has lost touch with reality!
The whole situation has left a sour taste in my mouth and has left me believing that, in most cases, yes - destination weddings are RUDE. You are asking guests to use what will likely be their only vacation that year and asking them to spend THOUSANDS of dollars to attend your wedding! No matter how much you love someone, I believe it is unreasonable to expect this and/or be mad if your close friends and family can't do it. If you really feel the need to get married in some exotic, far away land, elope!
All weddings are inconvenient and selfish. And, what constitutes a destination wedding? I grew up in Maryland, my fiance grew up in New Hampshire. Our families still live in their hometowns. My friends from kindergarten and highschool live in Maryland and my fiance's college buddies live in Boston. But, we both live, work, and have built a life in San Diego. Now, where do we host a wedding? A flight from the east coast to San Diego is approx. $400 RT. Then hotels are anywhere betw. $120 and $300 depending on season. So every couple from MD or NH will have to drop a minimum of of $1000. Do I move the wedding to MD, or NH? Am I putting a price tag on my friends? I can't even imagine trying to plan a wedding from the opposite coast. I never checked out wedding sites before I moved her 10 yrs ago, so should I ask my poor mom plan it all and send me photos? All of my friends in SD would then have to fly out to Maryland. Honestly, unless we make it in DC, nobody from SD will want to come. My fiance and I dropped about $1000 on a wedding in Atlanta (Delta flights are not cheap + 3 days at a hotel for a full schedule of events). Then we ate nothing but Indian food because it was an Indian wedding. It made them happy to have it this way, so we made the best it and enjoyed the people and entertainment. So,it seems like to me that weddings are all kinda selfish and a waste of money for everyone.
I have considered a destination wedding in the Caribbean because if people have to drop $1000 on San Diego, they might as well be on a full fledged vacation. They would probably get more out of it. I'm still not sure what I'm going to do but your post really freaked me out. It seems like no matter what I do, people will think I am selfish :(
I think destination weddings are rude. The very idea that you don't expect most people to go, shows that you are a shallow person that cares more about the frivolity of the wedding more than sharing the day with your loved ones. As far as holding a reception afterwards so, lets face it, to rake in gifts from those who didn't attend the wedding-I wouldn't go and I wouldn't send a gift. I first made a list of people who were important to me to be at my wedding and then planned the wedding around what we could afford. Also, when you plan the wedding, you pay for the whole things, you don't ask guests to make donations, buy their food or drinks. If you can't afford it, have a less elaborate wedding.
So far as Lisa's comments are concerned, I think people start in with the "destination weddings are 'rude'" basically when they feel they cannot afford or do not really wish to go.
I could make an argument for any wedding being "rude". Great big gift grabs and a long dull way to spend an afternoon/evening is frankly what they are to most of the people attending these 150-250-300 guest local extravaganzas that all look alike and feature bad food and are so popular in the US these days. Most of the people who attend these are buying a gift and attending out of a sense of obligation and good manners, because frankly if you have seen one you have seen them all.
The close circle of people who actually want to be there are coming to our Red Rock canyon wedding in Vegas, and guess what else? We are paying the tabs for the entire event, airfares included! We are coming home and having a small reception-our "gift registry" is a few different charities.
Shame on us for not staying home and inviting all sorts of people to eat the rubber chicken and bring a gift and "share our special day" when they would rather be home mowing the lawn!
Or maybe we should have stayed at home, invited 15 people and been "rude" via pissing everyone else off.
Whatever, you will never make everyone happy.
Hate destination weddings? Don't attend!
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