Since I last talked to Bahama Mama about her ridiculous destination wedding (posts here and here), I've gotten weekly "reminder" emails. She called once and I didn't pick up. That's how I feel about this wedding.
She left a voicemail about "checking on our plans." Guess a deadline is coming up for their fancy resort in some place they've never been.
I thought it was interesting people continued to comment on those destination wedding posts about their selfish brides in Lala Land. Boy, did that hit a nerve!
I don't want to spend 1K on anyone's wedding. I don't want to use up my precious little vacation (well, Senor Dog's precious little vacation) to go to an international destination that has no connection to them and that I have no interest in visiting.
I also hate that I have to be dishonest about it. I have to say we can't afford it, or we don't know about our vacation days, or make something else up so I don't hurt her feelings. I wish I could say the truth. It's stupid to make everyone you know spend 1K on your wedding, you have no connection to the Caribbean, it's alienating to send a bunch of naggy emails, it's nasty to pressure your friends into your stupidly expensive wedding. Oh, and you're a selfish diva if you expect all of your friends to shell out 1K for your party!
I'm shocked that she thinks this is OK and normal. I blame the bridal media.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
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13 comments:
I am totally with you on this. And whether you can afford it or not is subjective, and I think you have good reasons to not want to waste money on this trip. So I think you should just tell her that right now you cannot afford it. Let her ask you for a detailed financial statement. I don't think she will.
Tell her the whole story. If you lose a friend, she was no friend.
I know of friendships that have ended over not attending destination weddings. Destination brides have to realize that many people are not going to be able to attend due to the time restraints and costs...especially in this economy! It is asking quite a lot from people.
I agree! While I plan on having a destination wedding (to avoid the craziness of my sister's wedding), I won't expect any of my friends to make the trip. I think it's ridiculous that she continue to call and send e-mails. One no should be sufficient!
Just be honest. Say you are unemployed and can't afford to take the time off financially or just in case you have job interviews or starting of a job.
I agree with all the comments above. I will add this: the longer you put off telling this person exactly how you feel, the more and more difficult and awkward it will be.
Tell her now! Be tactful but honest.
Nastiness can often be rationalized as "truth". You're better than that!
I'm with the others. Why prolong this? Rip it off like a soggy old band-aid. You'll feel so much better, and perhaps less resentful, when you do. I promise ;)
Weddings are tiresome, for the most part. I'm glad that you have such an easy, guilt-free, non-negotiable excuse for this one.
Like everyone said... be honest and say that your vacation days are already earmarked for another planned trip (I think you have something else planned) and that due to your unemployment that you can't swing both. It will be a shame to miss it and when they get back, you'd love to get together and see the photos/video/etc.
You had the wedding you wanted, now this friend is happy about planning the wedding she wants.
If you can't go, just gracefully say no, soon, so she can take you off the guest list. The bride needs to know who is coming, she isnt being selfish.
What's selfish is you whining about it and making the bride have to beg for an answer from you. The wedding will still be fun whether or not you go.
I know this will sound harsh but you seem to always lie about your life...what you owe for student loans, why you can't go to a destination wedding, etc. Just tell the truth - you're unemployed and don't want to spend your discretionary budget on the trip. If you were in this wedding and the couple happened to live in California, you'd be spending at least $1K to travel and participate in the celebration. $1K is definitely a lot, definitely too much, but it's not out of control expensive for a friend to expect that you might spend given that you've acknowledged that you own cars worth over $50K. If I were looking at a 25-year-old couple with cars that expensive, I'd be wondering why they thought $1K was too much to spend to help me celebrate an important day in my life.
I can tell from your post that you are pretty riled up about this. You seriously need to just respond and get it over with. How is she selfish if she wants you too share in her day? She should understand if you are unable due to other constraints. I guess some brides get a bit of tunnel vision.
We had a destination wedding but one of the concessions is that it was very small. Everyone would have been travelling anyway, we invited who we would like there and let the chips fall where they may. For the record there were no nagging emails sent for our wedding...
Catching up on your blog today. Can you tell? :-)
I agree with everyone else, you just have to tell her you're not going because you don't want to outlay that kind of money and it's unfair of her to expect that of you while you are unemployed.
She really needs a reality check and who will deliver that to her, if not you? I mean, honestly, does her husband really want this wedding? Are her parents paying for this wedding?
This friendship already sounds like it's not on a firm foundation. Let it go gracefully and don't give it another moment's thought. You have too much else going on like healthcare coverage, Senor Dog's business and your own job search. It's ok to tell her that you have a lot of stuff going on and you aren't going to be going despite your fondness for her.
If she's not ok with that, then she's really not a friend. (And all her other friends will thank you and probably continue to be your friend.)
Amen, sister.
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