A dear friend of mine just got pregnant on her third round of in vitro. Each round costs at least 15K and was emotionally crippling. She'd call me when she knew it hadn't taken, and we'd just drink. There was so much expensive sadness.I'm a big believer in adoption. I believe there are children out there who desperately need homes. Kids who are born into abuse here in the US, kids born into crippling poverty abroad. For medical and moral reasons, I always knew I would adopt. I believe that saving a child from a life of poverty and struggle is one of the best things I can do in my life.
Hence my confusion about in vitro. It isn't about the money. This friend has plenty of money. They could afford several more rounds of in vitro without scaling back their massage schedule or international travel plans. I love my friend, and I am so happy for her. But I still don't get it.
Usually, I don't care if people who can afford it spend gobs of money on their cat's chemo, on a flashy car, on pedigreed dogs, on pieces of carbon strapped to their fingers, on a ridiculous swimming pool. Whatever, if they can afford it.
But in vitro... I can't wrap my brain around spending gobs--GOBS--of money on in vitro when you could have used that money to save a child who really needs parents and love.
23 comments:
As someone who has done IVF successfully and has beautiful twins because of it, I can say that its not something we considered lightly. You are right - it is emotionally and physically draining especially if you have to do it multiple times. We were fortunate to have it work the first time and have amazing insurance that paid for all but $400 of it. For us, because of the insurance that covered the IVF, adoption would have been sooo much more expensive. But honestly, that was not even a factor. We wanted to have our own biological children. Call me selfish but its true. We wanted to exhaust all avenues to have our own biological children before we went the adoption route. I actually think its great that you want to adopt. Some people just don't want to have their own children (for whatever reason) and there is nothing wrong with that.
I had a friend (and know of others who think similarly but not to this extreme) who liked the concept of adopting but believed that no one but her - or at least someone who would put their child up for adoption - could take as good care of the baby while they were pregnant as she could. And she didn't want a 'defective', in her mind, child.
Some of it is ego I guess. Seeing a baby that is part of you be born.
I plan to adopt myself. I've heard enough pregnancy stories and can do without all that, plus there are too many kids out there that get stuck in foster care. On the other hand, adoption can have it's drama as well.
@Lynn I think that the typical profile of someone has used IVF is pretty similar to you.
It can be worth it to have your own children. Perhaps your friend will adopt as well, if she wants to share her capacity for love with children who do not have parents. It's not an either or situation.
Some people also need to feel that biological link with their child to feel bonded. I know of one blogger whose husband was adopted and because of his own experience with his adoptive parents, he did not want to put another child through that. Rightly or wrongly, those were his feelings, based on his own experience.
I know people who have adopted and people who have done IVF and viewed purely from a financial standpoint (and when can it ever really be viewed that way?) I think IVF can be cheaper than adoption depending on how many cycles you require and what insurance covers. But if your heart is set on adoption then that is your decision and it's a very admirable one.
To play devil's advocate, adoption can be just as draining of a process. You can wait years before a baby is available. Or if you chose to adopt an older child, they could have been abused or neglected and take years to trust you and become part of your family. Depending on the state, adoptive mothers have weeks or months after the child is adopted to contest the adoption. Imagine becoming attached to a baby whose biological mother decides to take him/her back. You're looking at adoption through rose colored glasses.
It's to pass on the genes. However, in somewhat irony in the U.S., there were often orphan trains as they would call them over 100 yrs ago that travelled to the farmlands for those who would honestly welcome more kids to work the farm! So in sense, passing on generations of DNA really wasn't the norm as you could've been from a family that had adoptions in the lineage!
Mrs.SenorDog: with the advent of invitro, infertility drugs, more folks are straying way from adoption. There's more foster children in the system more than ever in the history of the U.S.
Adoption is expensive - some are even more pricey than IVF
If I had any interest in parenting at all, I would have chosen adoption just b/c pregnancy looks so gross. Not one of those women who ever wanted that experience. But to each their own.
I agree that an adoption may be a better solution for couples that simple can't get pregnant by themselves. The risks for health issues and sterility in the child is much higher in in vitro than in normal reception. I study biology and have made such in vitro fertilisation myself (on hamsters and mice, NOT humans). We sort out about 70-80% of the embryos. Either because they would be defective or simply died before they could be transpalnted into their mother.
For me an adoption would be the better solution. But everyone has to decide for themselves if they want to risk in vitro or not.
While I commend you for wanting to adopt, you are a little heavy-handed in your condemnation of couples who seek to start/expand their families through IVF. Do you also believe that people who naturally conceive should be reprimanded for not adopting their children? Pregnancy and childbirth are very costly, under your theory shouldn't that money be better used to adopt a child?
As someone who has gone the IVF route (so far unsuccessfully), I can tell you that it is an emotionally draining process when it does not work. However, I truly want to experience pregnancy and bond with my child in that manner. It is a personal choice. I have a friend who has no desire to be pregnant; a feeling you appear to share. That is her/your choice, and I do not find fault with it. I merely choose to try to start my family via a different method.
Please re-think your position. How a couple chooses to have a family is really no one's business but their own.
I think this is something for which it's best that you not judge others' choices. If they choose to spend money that they have on having a biological child, it is perfectly okay for them to do so.
Just because you think another choice is better for you does not mean that your way is superior and their way is selfish.
They're not going into debt.
They're not breaking a law.
They're pursuing a kind of love that they want to have in their lives.
Let it be.
Some people just simply want a biological child. They want to create a life with their partner.
I wish they would counsel people better though about the risk and the costs and all the options. But considering the money a lot of those places make on it - of course they won't.
Having children or not in whatever version there of is a highly personal decision - there will always be someone on the spectrum that you cannot understand their reasoning. A lot of times reasoning has nothing to do with it.
I think it's easy to say adoption if you can have kids naturally. When everyone goes on and on about how their biological child takes after so-and-so or looks like a grandparent, etc..,it's hard to ignore the so-called biological imperative.
I am going through IVF and am opened to adoption but there is something about trying to have biological kids first. At this point, we are using donor eggs and my husband's sperm. I admit I had huge issues with this idea at first.
Adoption is also complicated and not necessarily inexpensive.
My husband and I adopted from China. We did so mostly for medical reasons and much like you I did not want to spend so much $$ for just a chance to be a parent. Adopting our daughter has been the hardest and most incredible thing we have ever done! Biology has nothing to do with love. I love my husband and he is not related to me lol and I love my daughter more than anything else in this world.
I try not to be judgmental. But having adopted five children from the foster care system at zero out of pocket cost (in fact, I got a monthly subsidy for each of my daughters until each turned 18), I know where my heart lies. Kids who are already here need homes. They may not have my genes, but they do have me wrapped around their little fingers.
I have some friends (two couples) who tried IVF with no luck. Both went through adoption. There are various forms of adoption, some through private agencies.
I think adoption is a wonderful option for many people, but understand why some choose IVF. You are to be commended for being a friend to these people even if you don't fully understand their choices.
I agree with me in millions, from what I've heard adoption is by no means an easy process. But it's so great that you want to adopt rather than have your own - I really admire that!
It all depends on circumstances. I've found a lot of people also adopt because they they are presented with the opportunity. maybe a friend or acquiantance just happens to know someone.
Would I do it? Probably, but I'm open either way.
I'm adopted. I remember being younger and having the feeling that I really wanted to adopt a child. I found out through unfourtanate circumstances that I was adopted and although I feel indifferent( over years and years) about my situation, I really want to adopt if I ever have kids. I work with alot of foster kids and some of them I want to take home with me because their such good kids but just dealt such a shitty hand at first.
I think it's an incredibly personal choice. Every couple, every person will have different reasons, and not all of them will be logical.
I have a good friend whose husband was adopted. To say that this man is an emotional mess is an understatement. For whatever reason, he believes at his core that his biological parents 'threw him away' and he has never recovered from that rejection. As a result, my friend and their three (biological) children have all had to pay the price. That price has involved emotional abuse at the hands of said husband. My friend has also had to put up with him running around with other women because he has a constant need to be validated. I'm not saying that ALL adopted children are going to turn out like this but I have yet, in my lifetime, to meet one adoptee who is 100% OK with the fact that his/her biological family didn't want him/her. The whole idea of having being rejected is somewhat salveable when the adoptee is young but seems to be a tiger that turns as the person grows up. Just my ten cents. FWIW, I personally can only bond with my own biological kids and I'm just being honest about that. It's difficult enough to put up with some of the crap that my kids throw at me, and I handle it because they are my flesh and blood. Not sure how that would pan out with a kid whose genetic makeup was completely alien from mine.
Not being selfish, just being honest. The theory sounds great but the practice is an entirely different matter for some of us.
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